Hello, Everyone!
First, I want to thank you ALL for your unwavering support and generosity during this time in our lives! You have all been much more than kind! We so appreciate the cards, meals, physical help, rides, calls, e-mails, texts, monetary donations, gifts, deliveries of wood, flowers, prayers...you could not be kinder, thank you so much from all the Mergotts!
Please accept my sincerest of apologies for the length of time it's taken me to update my blog! I feel terribly! My sister just left on Monday and while she and my niece were here taking care of me it was a true whirlwind. Gret my sis, she's crazy (the good kind of crazy) and has (self-diagnosed) ADHD like me so the whole week was a crazy mess of fun, getting me all straightened out with my meds, my clothing, staying up way too late at night watching Downton Abbey, emptying my drains, going to the doctor's etc. and catching up. Plus she re-organized my entire house!
My surgery went really well. I was first on the docket so was in surgery by 8 a.m.! My sister Trudy drove me to the hospital at 5:00 a.m. - bless her heart.
My expert surgeons did very well. Here's a pic of me before surgery, and one of one of the OBGYN doctors. (More photos coming...)
Upon waking after surgery I was in a great deal of pain. Once my hand held pain pump of Dilauded was hooked-up and I was transferred to my bed, things got a little better. It was super hard to move from the gurney to the bed, in fact, I could not do it at all so they had to lift me. For a split second I regretted having eaten all those fattening holiday cookies and gaining a gazillion pounds during chemo but once I took some narcotics I really didn't give a crap about that anymore.
I could not move one single muscle the first night, it was horrible. I was stiff as a board. I never realized that one's upper body and arms are so linked to doing anything that has to do with movement. I was so, so scared to get up for the first time to use the bathroom. Or even just to get up and swing my legs over to sit on the side of the bed, I kept putting it off. However, finally I DID IT! There were actually a lot of "little firsts" like that. Getting up to walk. I took teensy weensy shuffling baby steps at first. I had become my own, elderly mom. I felt really embarrassed but the nurses were all so sweet and understanding and caring and patient. Going tinkle....that took me a day or two to get the pipes up and running. Eating. Forget that. My mouth was so, so dry for awhile after surgery. I lived on Lemon Italian ice for three days. It was actually awesome, my saving grace that Italian Ice. I couldn't get enough of it! Plus the hospital food...well let's just say Ina Garten wasn't the one preparing it, so I really wasn't eatin' too much at the hospital.
I denied any visitors except for Chip, my sisters and a brief visit from 2 nieces and one nephew who drove in from Connecticut. It was great to see everyone but socializing takes energy, I never realized that. The smiles, eye contact, conversation, listening...that all takes energy. Having no visitors was probably the best thing I could ever have done. I had planned for many friends to visit but I had to say no. :( Not to hurt anyone's feelings but I needed to use the energy for healing and fighting pain. I literally slept for three days and three nights. I kept saying over and over to myself what my friend Betsy says, "When we sleep, we heal" so I just slept and slept and slept. And of course pushed my pain meds pump as often as I could! I did read the magazines my friend Dawn gave me though, I never, ever get to do that, and I did "allow" (ha ha) my sister to rub my feet and pamper my face with sumptuous expensive cream each morning and night but aside from that I slept, most of the time.......when not sleeping....
I think I made pretty good progress when in the hospital. I worked hard and took my walks even though half the time my tooschie was hanging out of my hospital gown. And I fought for myself. My one roommate had a son (about age 30) visiting her who was hacking and coughing away, blowing his nose, all sick and schnozzy. I was really teed-off he was even there in the first place. The saline implants were pressing so hard on my chest I could hardly breathe at all myself, I couldn't afford to get sick or get a cough! So after "some" bitching (to like 20 nurses) I was allowed to switch to a new, clean room. HIP HIP HOORAY for self-assertion! When in doubt say, (with a serious face) "I want to talk to the Charge Nurse" and all will be well....
I walked out of the hospital on Saturday! (I would have taken a wheelchair - we had ordered one but it took so long to get there, so I got just a wee bit impatient and decided to walk out.) (I know, so unlike me.)
My 10 day visit with my sister and niece was thrilling as well as eye-opening. We really had a whirlwind of fun together! Gret is so cool, laid-back, easy, funny...we laughed so much. Her daughter Kat is awesome, an old soul, very cool, sweet, so pretty. The surprise was I was able to do so much more than we all expected! And I wasn't in nearly as much pain as we had all expected either! I did not lie in bed like those ladies from Downton Abbey who ring the bell whenever they need something. I was like the energizer bunny! After a few days they finally had to tame me and make me sit still which was and still is extremely hard for me.
This is Gret & me trying on head gear - Captain Hook and Aunt Jemima
Me & Bro Chuck actin' silly - he's wearin' my wig!
Gret at the car wash!
Annie & Shay (Now Shay in my wig!)
We Can Do It! Rosie Riveter Sisters!
Sister Love....
On Friday I got my drains out. That was insane. Here's a picture of that:
Those mothers were in me for 5 days, to drain any internal fluid build-up. They had to be drained out a few times a day. It wasn't too bad. BUT each drain was nine inches long in me and stuck out about 2 feet on each side of me! They were also so thick, like a heavy-duty extension cord, no wonder my sides hurt all week.....Gret and I gasped very loudly when they were removed!
I'm still having a lot of pain and pressure in my flat chest, but it's bearable as long as I stay on my meds. To tell you the truth, I am pretty much looped most of the time, but it's a functioning loop and if I didn't take these meds I would be in a lot of pain. And I am super forgetful, that was bad from the chemo already, but now it's even worse, I am in LA LA Land much of the time. I can't recall squat. There are internal stitches on my muscles, and the temporary saline implants are in , and my pectoral muscles are stretching, and then there are the external stitches. So there's discomfort involved. When I do forget my meds my body tells me!
I am restricted as to what I am "allowed" to do, I can't do any housework, I can't dust, do laundry, vacuum, do dishes, it's driving me crazy, I hate it, but I don't want to risk getting an infection or damaging the work that was done so I have to really take things easy. WHICH IS NOT EASY FOR ME! I have to ask for a lot of help and that's very hard for me. Here's Trudy helping me today!
I have been enjoying the warmer weather and have taken walks and spent a lot of time smelling the fresh air, drinking tea, reading the many thoughtful cards I have received, and puttering.
I'll add some more photos of the day of surgery when I get them, so if you feel like it check back in a while. Thank you for checking in with me! All in all, getting a double mastectomy and your ovaries out is not the end of the world. It is doable. Many women have gone down this path before me and that gives me so much hope. And I am beating cancer!
Finally, an unexpected gem from all of this, I am getting in touch with my 8 year old flat-chested girl self. She is still inside of me, that pre-woman, and she is sensitive, and shy, and scared, but now the older me is able to protect her and tell her she is fine just the way she is, and the older me hugs her and loves her every minute of every day.
Love, Annie
